something about love

 It starts out with a little spark. So little you might not even realize that it has been there. 

Is it just because we are far from home looking for a new safe haven?

Is it just because we are far from reality looking for a risky glimpse of joy?

Is it just because we are far from love looking for a forever in something that is so definite?

We or I will never know. I can only make up my mind about it a thousand times. Looking for a hundred different reasons why we could never actually turn out to be what we wanted ourselves to be. Let me tell you about me first.

I come from a small village. Marriages, families, boomers and millennials. I love my family members. Each single one of them, but I don't see them in a big picture. Sure it is possible, that we just are a crowd that doesn't fit. Or maybe it is just one person that doesn't fit that has made living in our house as a family difficult. I will never be able to tell. Only from my perspective and from what I have seen and felt. I can see now, that it definitely is important for me to write another blog entry about this topic another time. Okay, we haven't come far so I'll start to not get off path in this article again. I am a very realistic person. Maybe this is why I needed to live a dream for once in a while and let myself just believe. Turns out my realistic mindset saved me in a way eventually. I admit it hurts like hell that this dream didn't turn out to be available. Even though there's nothing I can do but accept it. And that's what I do. I just do not know yet what's in it for me now. Sure, I can count so many positive effects it has. Yes, I am young. Yes, it was a summer love. A summer of love. Love for the summer. For me it was not the cliché you might have in mind now. For me that person has shown me how love can be. Or maybe made me feel it for the first time ever in my whole life. This feeling that a person loves you back so much it makes you believe it. I never had this safety of being able to believe. And I loved him so much, I could let myself fall so easily with knowing he's going to catch me every time. As long as I am with him. Or as long as life doesn't get in the way. One thing that needs to be said is that I can break down all of the reasons why it didn't work out to a single one: We are young. Too young. And our lives are adventurous and eventful. You meet someone every new day. You are able to experience moments, do you and feel free to never have somebody else in your mind. One that might stop you from experiencing and living. This is one of the big problems in dating nowadays. No one wants to be put into a box and miss out on all of this freedom. I have got such a hard time finding a person, that lets me keep my freedom but who I also crave so much that I wanna come home to him/her at night and tell all of my stories to. And for sure create all of these stories with. For me it is all about being individuals together. I am way too good on my own. And it felt like heaven on earth the moment I realized I found exactly what I was never looking for. Never look for it because you shouldn't look out for love, you should be open for it. (I just love how my brain works with writing down this stuff. I just write down the thoughts that come up in my mind and normally it would take me zero seconds to think about all of it. But with having to write each and every word of it down gives me so much more time to rethink, reconsider, overthink, etc. . Love that. So yeah, I won't change anything about the way I am writing my blogs. These are first drafts of my thoughts, never read through a second time.) 

So about being open for love. We are a generation that has problems with that being open. Being open is the perfect thing to do as long as you haven't caught or found anything. The moment you find something and know you should keep it or you want to keep it, please for the sake of it, close it. Do not keep one little window open. For another love that makes you fall. And only close it for this kind of love. For love from friends and family this door should always be opened. So lets just say every person has got two doors for love. Or maybe more, but these two are main entrances. I hope you get what I want to say. I don't want to discriminate polygamy or anything like that. All I got to say here is that these two doors are so different from each other and in my mind I'm panicking right now hahaha. Okay, we just start over again now: (and no, I haven't stopped writing in order to gather my thoughts or brainstorm.)

A picture: there is a house, this is you home. You have got the main entrance which is where you let in all the people that give you excitement and love such as you mother, father, brother, sister, best friend, a group of friends, or anyone who makes you enjoy life and gives you this warm kind of love that feels like you are wrapped in a pillow. Then you have got a few windows, that are always opened a bit, just for fresh air and a nice breeze every now and then. These windows are for smiling, complimenting, generous and friendly people or words that make you smile. They also make you happy and excited for a bit. This might also feel like a sort of love. Like that is the love you get from life. So, you now have the main entrance for warm-pillow-love and the windows for love from life. All of these loves come by every now and then, drink coffee/tee/water/beer/wine and spend time with you, listen and talk or just stick with you for a bit. Always have an open door for these people or these opportunities, where you come together with a bunch that makes you enjoy life. Never close yourself from them because there will always come a time where you appreciate and thank them for keeping you from losing every sense in life. Good, now that you know about your house, I want to tell you that there is one room inside not everyone is able to enter. This room is so intimate, you might have such a strong password for it, even you forgot it. If you really forgot it, don't pressure yourself, there might be someone around the corner who turns out to know it. Or somebody who also forgot their own and you both figure the passwords out together. But this is not the standard way this door is working. Lets say this door is opened all the time. People walk past, wether they are not interested or they are scared. What could be in this room, opened up for everyone but still so closed down and narrow. The living room is big and everyone can fit in, but this small room here is not spacious at all. And why is that? There are only two chairs (please if you really love-love more than one person, just imagine the number of chairs directly related to the number of lovers) and one is yours. Only few actually have to courage to take a look or even a step in. You are the one that gets to decide who fits the chair and who is allowed to make themselves comfortable. If you find yourself somebody you want in that chair and that person takes the seat, please shut the door. This room doesn't have clocks, this room doesn't have any windows. This room only has got the both of you. And one very important thing is, that this room's password is now only your knowledge. Yours and your love's. Okay, now how to you feel about this room. This room makes you feel like you are coming home. Even if you spend all day outside cheering in the living room, you still know you can always go into this room. The password is always in your mind. And what you find there or who you have next to you is in your mind too. You have this strong connection to this room and to this person. It is your secret whatever you do or feel inside of it. Nobody will ever know or feel this way. This room stands for the love that is deep in your heart. It fills out almost everything, it warms you, it has your body shaking, you feel electrified from that love. This love really gets through your skin. This I would call the deep-love. With this deep-love you feel like you do not need anything else again in life. It all makes sense now that you have got somebody with you in that room. Whenever you need it, you know you can enter and are expected with open arms and so much love and safety you can just let yourself fall into these arms.

Okay, I could continue now. But there's almost no ending to describing all of it. One thing to be said is that the moment you do not worship this room or the person anymore it is going to have big consequences. What could happen?

- You could forget about the room or this person. Now, I do not think this is what actually happens that often. Anyways, one consequence of this could be: You forget about this room, you do not enter it anytime, maybe because you do not have time to anymore. Stress. Work, events, life, new beginnings, problems, whatever. As long as you are not thinking about this room, you cannot see what is happening in there. It is only when you go inside again, looking for what you have known and expect to still be in there. But it is not. It left while you didn't need this room. It left while you never had a look inside for just a small second. And it left you with nothing. Lost. Now you realize what you lost along the way. The one thing that should have always been there to give you energy. Now you need the energy more than ever. But you never gave a little bit of your energy to the room, or never spoke your mind about taking time outside for a bit. Knowing you came back would have made a difference. But now it is all lost. You most of all. 

- You decide to let somebody else sneak in for a bit. This is not what should be happening. The password is only safe for you and the person the chair belongs to. No one else should be able to feel and see what the both of you have together. If you decide to let somebody new in, you should clear the table and tell your room-person. Everything else is nothing but destructive. Do you really think this new person is even worth it? If so, be strong enough to call it quits with your person. Otherwise this room goes down in flames. And this burn is going to destroy this room. And the second your person is gone, there won't be two chairs anymore. So, where do you see the new love sitting? Nowhere. Because for this love there are only two plastic chairs in the hallway, which you both can sit on for a bit. But after some time you just realize this is not the same. This won't ever even get close to being the room. You do not even know if you want to keep that new love in the living room or if you should just tell them to leave and have a nice life. And now you feel that burn too. And you have to go through it each and every day. You need to go into the destroyed room with all of the shattered memories to build it all up again. Takes time. Takes strength. Takes a lot of emotion. But besides all of it you now can rebuilt it your own way again. Maybe rearrange the chairs, change the colour of the room, whatever you want to. It is your room.

- Your person does one of the things above or decides to not want you anymore. That hurts, yes. You throw the person out of the room if she or he hasn't already left. You close that door. You either go back to cry and bleed through that heartbreak or you don't even pass the door. You either let all of the emotions get you and suck up all of the warmth that's left until you sit in a cold chair. Or you do not consider even thinking about the room and what you had there. With doing this you do not only shut the door of the room but also the door for anyone to come near you. The living room might be filled, but you just don't feel attached to anything anymore. You slowly realize the numbness that has been eating you up from inside since the day the person turned away from you. It takes time. All it does is take time. I can't tell you how long it takes. But once you made it you will acknowledge it only took time. No pressure. Important to mention here for the second case, the one that turns away from the room and doesn't look back, is, please, do at least think through it once, or return to that room whenever you are ready. No emotions and not wanting to go back to where once had so many strong feelings been felt is an insecure move. You might be convinced that you are coping well if you do not let the hurting get near you. But no. In the end this is going to catch up with your new born reality. Wether it is in any situation you only subliminally stumble over the past or if it is with a new person you want to lead into that room. Oops. Everything still looks the same. Every single millimeter reminds you of that old deep-love you never tried to get over. What comes now? You fall into a hole, you are imaginarily thrown back to the last time you had been in here, you are missing all of the feelings you had felt in here, you don't think you can replace the old deep-love with this new deep-love. And yes, the new deep-(or now not that deep anymore)love senses that something's wrong and you are not that reachable anymore. Now you are up in your head. With a hurting heart. And if this doesn't happen to you did you ever love the former person? Are you sad to be emotionally unavailable? Are you sad at all? Are you even suffering anyhow or is it always the other person? If you are not really sad, there is something out of order. 

-You do not want the person anymore. You want to be on your own for a while. You need a break from being attached like this. You need to breathe once in a while. All of this is okay. Just say so. The deep-love person has got to accept that. There's nothing else. You should always be able to stay your own way in this room even if it might affect the other person in a bad way. As long as you do not put your person through pain intentionally everything is fine. No one can be forced. Or should be forced. You can't force somebody to stay, to be a certain kind of way, to be happy. Even if it feels like soulmates, this other person has got a whole different and individual emotional wellbeing and doesn't feel everything the exact same way you do. That just is one amazing thing about being human.

Okay, I think I am somehow finished with this now. I hope it makes at least a little bit of sense. If I didn't write it in the worst way somebody might have even got the metaphors I tried to use. The house = your heart. Main entrance, living room, warm-pillow-love = a place, feeling, w.e. that shows you have a big heart for all of your nearest and dearest. Love from life = the small smiles you get on the street; maybe the friendly neighbor that wishes you a nice day every morning. Moments that just make your day a little bit nicer. Not exactly the person that does the gestures but the gesture itself is significant here. It only comes in at the window, because it is what you see for a few seconds, but it doesn't come as near as the visitors you let into your house/heart. The narrow room = your deep and emotional, romantic heart. The heart you give to a person you love like no one else. 

To round up the picture even a little bit. I think I have experienced all of these kinds of perspectives, whether it was subjectively or objectively. One thing I guess I started writing in the beginning of this post was about believing and stuff. I have to admit this kind of reflecting with writing it down in some kind of blogpost makes me free and gives room for even more thoughts. I like how I drift off sometimes along the way. Like right now. Hahahah. What was I going to say...I don't actually know how to round anything up. But I know that I am still believing. Or I am believing again. This is what my summer of love taught me. Thanks for that. And even though I might be one of the pickiest people I know when it comes to letting anyone into that room, I still know the chair is going to be filled at the end of the day. And my living room is blooming with the best people I could imagine having around me. I hope they stick around even when I do not reach out to them for a while. But if they do, and I know they do, that just makes me appreciate and love them even more. Also I love how my windows are opened all of the time. I smile through them and the outside smiles back, like a reflection in the mirror.

Being opened up means, letting the good vibes in. Sometimes you even get new opportunities just by being happy with life and opening your house for people who make your day. Life is just a bowl cherries.💜